In Defense of Marriage

There are some days when the idea of marriage becomes so appalling that I find myself running as far away from it as much as I can. Then there are days when I embrace the idea, welcome it with more than just open arms, and revel at the thought of growing old with someone.

After reading a short article I saw on Yahoo!, I suddenly find myself defending marriage.

An excerpt:

FOR THE FIRST TIME, UNMARRIED HOUSEHOLDS REIGN IN US
Maxim Kniazkov (AFP)
Sun Oct 15, 1:02 PM ET

It is by no means dead, but for the first time, a new survey has shown that traditional marriage has ceased to be the preferred living arrangement in the majority of US households.

The shift, reported by the US Census Bureau in its 2005 American Community Survey, could herald a sea change in every facet of American life -- from family law to national politics and its current emphasis on family values.

The findings, which were released in August but largely escaped public attention until now because of the large volume of data, indicated that marriage did not figure in nearly 55.8 million American family households, or 50.2 percent.

More than 14 million of them were headed by single women, another five million by single men, while 36.7 million belonged to a category described as "non-family households," a term that experts said referred primarily to gay or heterosexual couples cohabiting out of formal wedlock.

In addition, there were more than 30 million unmarried men and women living alone, who are not categorized as families, the Census Bureau reported.

By comparison, the number of traditional households with married couples at their core stood at slightly more than 55.2 million, or 49.8 percent of the total.


I am disturbed and disheartened by these findings.. Not because I think highly enough of myself to preach and prod into the social relevance of a nation where dysfunction has become the norm (Hello, I’m not THE dystopian dreamgirl for nothing!), but because I know, whether we choose to admit it to ourselves or not, a majority of us still DESIRE marriage. No, there is no such thing as an ideal marriage, I think, and we greatly delude ourselves into thinking it should be perfect and without effort, but the desire has been set in our hearts from the very beginning. And what is so wrong about desiring something so beautiful, something so natural? Nothing at all!

At the moment, I find myself living “fabulously single.” This is a life choice, one most people will tell you I am quite reluctant to give up, and I seriously think I have “another good year left” before I even truly consider settling down. (Hahaha! As if it were my choice to make.. When you’re destined, you’re destined diba? :P) Some days, though, when I sit still long enough and focus and think about my future, I DREAM of marriage. :)

A few of years ago, I read a beautiful short story by Jeffrey Archer called “Old Love.” In a nutshell, it was about 2 rival academics who, amidst all their arguing, discovered they had a great love for each other that was often misunderstood – save for the two of them – and that love endured till the very end. See? That’s what I want. I don’t want “perfect love.” God’s already given me that. :) I want “old love,” where I know my future husband and I will have many arguments, go through fights, and endure trials, but that doesn’t mean we’ll give up. We will learn from our mistakes, grow from them even, and just enjoy the intricacies and difficulties of our relationship. Love, after all, as 1 Corinthians 13 put it, “..always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..” Whymwham. :)

Many people, myself included, have shuddered at the idea of marriage simply because there have been so many “bad records” of it. (I mean, if BARBIE dumped KEN on Valentine’s Day.. Come on, what about the rest of us non-plastic people without dream houses and pink cars and ponies and castles?! :P) Seriously though, just because many marriages fail it shouldn’t scare us into giving up on the idea completely. People who have these so-called “trial marriages,” i.e. living together.. At the end of the day, even they want to be ASKED. Maybe not go through the whole shebang, but to be asked at least. (Trust me, I know quite a few!) Why even “try” it if you don’t want to go through it? Because of the POSSIBILITY that, maybe this time, this may be the one. Maybe this time, marriage is possible. Maybe this time, they are meant to be together.

The article on Yahoo! has caused me to think about this: If people didn’t want marriage or any semblance of it, why couple together? Maybe they’re scared to try? To commit? I don’t know! I do admire some people who’ve gone through bad marriages.. Why? Because even if they aren’t together anymore (for whatever reason), they were brave enough to even try. They were unafraid of the finality of marriage; they were gutsy enough to want it.

I wish I could scream to the rest of the world: DON’T GIVE UP!!! Even if marriage isn’t something they'd want to think about for now, I’m still praying that people won’t keep themselves from desiring it. No matter how angsty, jaded or badly burned they’ve been, I wish with all my heart they wouldn’t settle for anything less than what they really truly DESERVE. I’m still hopeful that they won’t settle for a very minute part of what is, in its entirety, a BEAUTIFUL and FULFILLING EXPERIENCE.

*sigh*

sweet surrender..

For the first time in quite a while, I attended service alone. It was a good thing – a refreshing experience, somewhat something of a revelation even. :) You see, the past few weeks had me running around headless and distracted..

Last night, sitting alone in my favorite area (near the stage but not directly in front, close enough to see the screen and near the TV just so I wouldn’t have to squint), it was so liberating to have that kind of focus.. No distractions. :)

I needed that time, by myself, to REALLY listen to what God had to say. After the service, it became clear. All the while I’ve been running around headless and lost, He’s been waving every flag and doing every song and dance number imaginable to call my attention: FOCUS ON ME!!

I realized that I wouldn’t have been such a mess if I had just been STILL and focused on Him. But you see, hyperactive little girls (or perhaps the more apt ‘energetic young ladies’) like me find it hard to do just that. It’s like I keep telling God “I surrender.. But not really. Can I keep this part?” No, none of that anymore..

One thing I am resolved to do is to get rid of one MAJOR distraction, one that is too personal to write in this blog entry. ;) Hahaha! Think of it this way: I am more affected by this that I’ve ever cared to admit. Silly girl! As if naman God didn’t already know heart, my thoughts. He knew them before I did. And now I surrender that distraction to Him as well.

My favorite psalm says it all: “O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely..” (Psalm139:1-4) Eep. What on earth was I thinking?!

So here’s to saying “goodnight and go!” Here’s to purifying my heart, and letting God take control..


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“Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.”
-Psalm73:25

je suis desole..

“If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended.. Gentles, do not reprehend. If you pardon, we will mend..”

- A Midsummer Night’s Dream

I would be remiss if I didn’t apologize to everyone for having a “bad” day.

Yesterday had me become something of an “emotional chiaroscuro” – a dramatic mess in light and shade. I had been teetering on the verge of a breakdown nearly all of last week, the inconvenience of the storm and all its repercussions refusing to make my week any better. And, while Sundays usually are my solace, the quiet had made me vulnerable to the sudden crash of negative emotions I refused to deal with.

In other words, I cracked.

Understand this: I don’t deal with stress very well. Hmm.. An understatement. Either one of two things occurs: I become deathly quiet or I go overly dramatic. Neither is pretty. As a personal rule, I rarely open up about what bothers me (When it comes to things that I feel are really important, that is.. The “babaw” things I broadcast!). I tend to keep my guard up about the things that really REALLY bother me, and I carefully select who I open up to. Be flattered nalang if ever I share something with you one day. :)

Anyway, halfway through music practice, IT JUST HIT ME. The stress. The decisions I had to make. My lack of direction. My inadequacies. My fears. Somewhere in the middle of practicing “All Around” I just snapped. Not in a Michael Douglas “Falling Down” kind of way, it was more of the creepy, snappy, impatient “Just leave me alone!” sort. Wendy was kind enough to pray for me before the service, and Jose was a comfort to lean on, and by the time worship had begun, I felt much MUCH better (redundancy added for emphasis!).

The funny thing about being cranky is that you don’t always know it when you are. I thank God that He blessed Marj and Diane with the patience to put up with me all throughout the day..

I’m writing this now because I feel horrible knowing that I was, well, horrible, to two people who were really nice to me and I think I repaid their kindness with.. something not so kind. Unintentionally, yes, but I was still being a pain in the “hiney.” And it may not even be a big deal to either of them, but the fact that I’m still thinking about it means that it means something to me..

When Wendy approached me after the 7pm service apologizing because she felt she offended me, I was taken aback. Was I that cranky that I gave such a impression so as to make her feel she did something to offend? In truth, she was a blessing to me and I just felt so awful that I made her feel that way. I had to explain that she had NOTHING to do with my disposition that day, and that I just had a terrible, trying, testing week.

Then there’s that little silly “fire escape” incident. Let’s just say I got stuck for a while and, since I do get a little claustrophobic at times, I panicked. (Not to mention the fact that nobody knew where I was and I was quite sure that no one would come looking for me.) I think at that moment all my stress got focused on Jose, who was decent enough to actually try and get me out. I don’t think I made it any better by telling him “You tried to KILL me!” now, did it? That’s a lesson in taming the tongue right there for you.. Forget that your friend actually DID try to help you and instead berate him for being there..

It kills me that I’ve been taking out my frustrations on people who have ZERO to do with why I've been feeling awful.. And there isn’t anything I can do to make up for it, all I can do is say “I’m sorry” and I’ve done that already.

So why do I still feel so bad?


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You may lose your appetite,
Your guiding sense of wrong and right.
You may lose your will to fight,
But you cannot lose my love.

You will lose your confidence.
In times of trial, your common sense.
You may lose your innocence,
But you cannot lose my love.

Many things can be misplaced;
Your very memories be erased.
No matter what the time or space,
You cannot lose my love.

- Sara Groves, You Cannot Lose My Love